Wednesday, November 9, 2011


I have written, torn up and rewritten this many times ,trying to find a way
to put it all together

My call
came 11-11-10
 at 6:43 a.m.
from my daughters house, at at time when you KNOW,normally
 a call would not be made
It was one of my sons
"mom, it's Matt, he's gone"

A phone call that made my legs so weak
I felt they could not hold me up
that I would fall

A phone call that brought me to my knees
in shock and pain
in prayer for understanding, questions, strength

A call that my son was gone
A call that changed my life Without preparation or consent.

My husband and I quickly packed a bag
I wasn't even aware of what I put in, and what I needed

We made the 16 hour drive to Utah
straight through
my husband said it was a long grueling 16 hours
to me, I was not even concious of the time
I was lost in thought of a little boy, who became a man
and is now gone

I kept thinking
Why hadn't I felt him going.There should have been some message
from his spirit
some disturbance in the daily order of things.

my eyes felt bruised from all the tears
tears carry many different melodies over the course of our lives
And so came the preparations of a funeral
all our family members came up with
beautiful tributes
we bonded in deeper ways then we had before

And the rest of us survive....somehow 

and through it all MANY LESSONS are learned
you know that old saying
it would be sad to have the experience..and not learn the lesson
(any small measure of a lesson)

and what did I learn
that I certainly am NOT alone in this sacred fraternity
there are many of you
who have suffered greater things then me
in this sacred experience called death
I have been learning from you

here are a few things I want to remember:
1. DO NOT hesitate to go to a viewing if you can. I had so many people I never expected to see who showed up
and they will ALWAYS be remembered for that
people (you know who you are) who I didn't even know
who cared enough, for me, to come
yup, blogging friends I had not yet met
but will be forever bonded to in this act of love

2.  Don't worry about trying to find the right things to say. There ARE NO right things to say. A hug is sufficient: body language that says "I can't Rescue you, but I can sit with you."

3. Acts of service, we had so much food brought over to us. Ann brought over this amazing chicken soup that we have lovingly named Matt's soup. Flowers, plants, cards. 
I had neighbors and friends even go so far as to give me
something soothing as lotions, perfumes, bath products
(did you know you can do your best crying in the shower)
Think outside the box. Maybe babysit for someone for a few hours so they can get out and have some quiet time for themselves.
My daughters house became ground zero as we called it
so, her aunt (my sis) and her daughters
who live far away and were unable to come
sent her a gift certificate for Merry Maids
someone to clean up her house after all that chaos

Remember, what may seem to you like some small thing
becomes a monumental thing to the one who is grieving

So now, after a year
we will each celebrate our special memories of him
Sister Lauriette (the Nun I met in Ottawa this past summer) said
in a letter to me
Memories are inscribed in our hearts like a photo

ha ha, don't let that innocent face fool  you
He was full of mischief and adventure and FUN

He will be forever remembered by his young children
His daughter wrote this and left it on the kitchen table

Now don't tell me that doesn't bring a tear to your eye

Each day, me...all of us who loved him
will try and move towards light
there may be some darkness in the wings
but if we open our spirit to it
light will find it's way in

this poem was read at Matt's funeral
ring the bells that still can ring,
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in
-Leonard Cohen-

sometimes, when I see his face, unexpectedly, it takes my breath away

Now I will try to heal
Healing does not mean being all well
it may take a lifetime
it's like a chronic illness
it's not terminal....just feels like it sometimes

I don't want to remain bitter for what I sometimes feel are
unanswered prayers
Because.........Right Now
I don't know WHY

Matthew Recieved The Call
his call home