Wednesday, November 9, 2011

THE CALL

I have written, torn up and rewritten this many times ,trying to find a way
to put it all together


My call
came 11-11-10
 at 6:43 a.m.
from my daughters house, at at time when you KNOW,normally
 a call would not be made
It was one of my sons
"mom, it's Matt, he's gone"

A phone call that made my legs so weak
I felt they could not hold me up
that I would fall

A phone call that brought me to my knees
in shock and pain
in prayer for understanding, questions, strength

A call that my son was gone
A call that changed my life Without preparation or consent.

My husband and I quickly packed a bag
I wasn't even aware of what I put in, and what I needed

We made the 16 hour drive to Utah
straight through
my husband said it was a long grueling 16 hours
to me, I was not even concious of the time
I was lost in thought of a little boy, who became a man
and is now gone

I kept thinking
Why hadn't I felt him going.There should have been some message
from his spirit
some disturbance in the daily order of things.
something??

my eyes felt bruised from all the tears
tears carry many different melodies over the course of our lives
And so came the preparations of a funeral
all our family members came up with
beautiful tributes
we bonded in deeper ways then we had before


And the rest of us survive....somehow 

and through it all MANY LESSONS are learned
you know that old saying
it would be sad to have the experience..and not learn the lesson
(any small measure of a lesson)

and what did I learn
that I certainly am NOT alone in this sacred fraternity
there are many of you
who have suffered greater things then me
in this sacred experience called death
I have been learning from you

here are a few things I want to remember:
1. DO NOT hesitate to go to a viewing if you can. I had so many people I never expected to see who showed up
and they will ALWAYS be remembered for that
people (you know who you are) who I didn't even know
who cared enough, for me, to come
yup, blogging friends I had not yet met
but will be forever bonded to in this act of love

2.  Don't worry about trying to find the right things to say. There ARE NO right things to say. A hug is sufficient: body language that says "I can't Rescue you, but I can sit with you."

3. Acts of service, we had so much food brought over to us. Ann brought over this amazing chicken soup that we have lovingly named Matt's soup. Flowers, plants, cards. 
I had neighbors and friends even go so far as to give me
something soothing as lotions, perfumes, bath products
(did you know you can do your best crying in the shower)
Think outside the box. Maybe babysit for someone for a few hours so they can get out and have some quiet time for themselves.
My daughters house became ground zero as we called it
so, her aunt (my sis) and her daughters
who live far away and were unable to come
sent her a gift certificate for Merry Maids
someone to clean up her house after all that chaos

Remember, what may seem to you like some small thing
becomes a monumental thing to the one who is grieving

So now, after a year
we will each celebrate our special memories of him
Sister Lauriette (the Nun I met in Ottawa this past summer) said
in a letter to me
Memories are inscribed in our hearts like a photo


ha ha, don't let that innocent face fool  you
He was full of mischief and adventure and FUN

He will be forever remembered by his young children
His daughter wrote this and left it on the kitchen table


Now don't tell me that doesn't bring a tear to your eye

Each day, me...all of us who loved him
will try and move towards light
there may be some darkness in the wings
but if we open our spirit to it
light will find it's way in

this poem was read at Matt's funeral
ring the bells that still can ring,
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in
-Leonard Cohen-

sometimes, when I see his face, unexpectedly, it takes my breath away

Now I will try to heal
Healing does not mean being all well
it may take a lifetime
it's like a chronic illness
it's not terminal....just feels like it sometimes

I don't want to remain bitter for what I sometimes feel are
unanswered prayers
pleadings
Because.........Right Now
I don't know WHY

Matthew Recieved The Call
his call home

49 comments:

Claudia@DipityRoad said...

Dear Wendy
My heart aches for your loss. But you have such a wonderful outlook on how you will remember him.

Know that his spirit is with you daily as it is with his children. While he is separated from his body he lives on in you and the others who loved him.

Biggest of hugs to you darlin.
Claudia

M-Cat said...

*sobbing* So beautifully written - so from your heart - I love it.

I also love the insight you have provided on how to help when someone is grieving. Many of us don't know what to do.

It's been a hard year.....but know that you are thought of often and good thoughts, prayers and love are sent your way!

corrie said...

I've been thinking of you and your family. The post was well written. Great pictures of Matt. They made me smile.
I love you.

nitebyrd said...

Wendy, I cannot imagine the loss of a child. This post is so beautiful and loving, that whoever/whatever made the decision to make Matt your child and you his mother, certainly knew what they were doing.

He will always be with you because you loved him so much.

Valerie said...

Wendy~ I think you did a beautiful job writing the tender feelings of your mother heart.
Love and hugs for you.

SherilinR said...

the note from the little one did me in.
i remember the day i read your post a year ago. i cried right along with you then & i still do now.

Ann Marie said...

My heart aches with you.. and my thoughts are with you.

Love ya Wendy. ((hugs))

The One Eyed Diabetic said...

Mom,
I know you are hurting and the distance makes it hard to comfort you. All I have is words to offer and sometimes that feels like they fall flat. Your a wonderful mom and have 5 children that thank God for that. Matts passing has been hard and I struggle with my emotions all the time when I think about it. Just know that each day Heavenly Father offers us his warm, embracing arms of reassurance.

I love you!

Kristina P. said...

Has it been a year? Wow. My thoughts are still with you!

Becky said...

So beautiful! Prayers are with you.

"Alone again.... naturally!" said...

Wendy....you know how I feel....{{Hugs}}!

Julie Harward said...

Oh wow Wendy...sitting here in tears...what a beautiful son. I think the only good thing that happens through something like this is..the love shared between people. It is so amazing the love that people let out of their hearts to another at times like these. Great ideas here of ways to serve. I know you are strong and will continue to heal as life goes on, but I think when you hold him again in your arms and see his wellness, you will be totally healed. Sending you my love. Julie

Cherie said...

Wendy that was beautifully written. I cannot even begin to imagine what you carry each day as you miss your boy.
It is good to know things that I can do to help people who have loss and are grieving - sometimes I feel like I can't do anything, so I appreciate you voicing that here. I am also so glad that so many were there to comfort you.

You are such a wonderful person and I am sending you a Big Hug because if I was standing in front of you that is exactly what you would be getting from me!

Pedaling said...

reading your blog, I can see such tremendous growth.
loss is hard. so terribly hard. I know.
Hugs, prayers and love sent to you.

jeanne said...

Oh Wendy, this post is a beautiful tribute to your son and how he stamped the lives of all the people he loved in his own special way. I know you are still grieving and I don't think anyone can set a time for grief. However, your words say so much about how you are trying so hard to move on. One thing for sure, as long as you and your family remember the many fun times you all experienced with your son, he will always be near you in your heart.
Thinking of you with the most sincere love and concern for what you are going through. Your friends and family love you dearly so let them lift you up as much as you can.

My advice to you is take baths!!HA! Because you have the best sense of humor of anyone I know, I had to try and make you smile.
I love you dearly,
Jeanne

The Gathering Place said...

Your post was a perfect tribute to your handsome son and a reminder to me to be grateful for my own family. Life can be really harsh sometimes, but good friends and people we meet can help us through. It sounds like you have a pretty amazing fan club. Thanks for the ideas of comfort. Sometimes we want to help, but just don't know what to do. It is nice to know what helped you. (I love the Merry Maid coupons!)

tammy said...

I have 890 blog posts in my reader, and was just getting ready to mark them all as read because it's stressing me out, but decided to scroll down first. So glad I did. Even though now I am crying for you and the loss you still feel so strongly. I know losing a child must be the hardest thing ever. I've watched my sister and her kids deal with the loss of their father a lot more easily than his mother has. I think it's totally unfair when a child goes before their parent. I hope things get easier to bear, and just the good memories remain until you see him again.

Kristin said...

You are AMAZING! How do you write like that? My sweet uncle passed 2 days after Matt...and your words are so wonderful to read, and touch me, and comfort me! Oh how I love you!

Garden of Egan said...

My sweet friend.
Wish I were in Canada right now sitting in your living room, so I could hug you.
You are amazing. I don't know how you have done it, but you have. You've done it beautifully, real, honestly and honorably.

I continue to pray for you and hope you are able to continue the healing.
You have touched so many through your words and how you have shared this painful experience.

I love ya!

Teachinfourth said...

The funny thing is that I can understand this post on so many levels...

Words cannot describe what I want to say. I just want to reach out and give you a hug, sit on a front porch, say nothing at all, watch the sun as it sets, and smell the smoke from the wood stove inside as it floats on the evening air.

That - I think - would say it all.

Connie said...

It has been a year already? It's amazing that time keeps going even when we think we can't go on!
This post touches my heart and I feel for you and your family. I just want to give you a hug, not just to comfort you but to feel your strength too.
I pray that you'll feel peace at this time. Please know that there are many people who love you.
I appreciate the information to help us know what to do for someone who is grieving.
Beautiful post, Wendy. Love ya!

jojo said...

Wendy, that was beautiful. You continue to amaze me with your strength and faith, your words are so comforting and touching to a heart that is aching. May your heart be blessed with answers and joyous memories of your sweet son.

Becky said...

You've been on my mind so much this week. I recall reading your post a year ago and my heart aching for you. You have such a beautiful way of expressing your heart. Thank you for sharing.

dbs said...

You are not alone. And neither is he.

Andrea-The Sock Monkey Mom said...

Hugs friend. From around the world and back again. It's good that you can write this, it doesn't take away the loss but maybe it just eases it a little bit.

It's been a long year for you, I hope from here forward things start to feel good again.

Dixie Mom said...

This was so beautifully written. I was sitting here thinking how could all of us just go on when your boy was being laid to rest. Sometimes I watch a funeral procession go by and I know families are grieving and wondering...how can others just go on when I'm laying my loved one in the ground? And when I've lost loved ones I wonder the same.
I still don't know how I'd ever overcome the lost of a child. I think it might be the worst hell. I have felt sad for you often throughout this past year and wished there was something I could do. Your ideas for things others can do is perfect. I will always remember those.
Beautiful boy of yours. He's still yours.

" Hit It......." said...

I am thinking of you. This was one of the most beautiful posts that you have written. Good luck tomorrow. Hugs!:-)

A Vintage Chic said...

So beautifully written, dear Wendy. I loved what you said: "I can't rescue you, but I can sit with you." So perfect expressed...

Wishing you a bit more healing this coming year. I love that you share your beautiful boy and your experience with us.

Sending you love, my friend...

Julie

Just SO said...

What a beautifully moving post. I agree with the sentiment of "you don't have to say anything" sometimes a smile, the squeeze of a hand or a hug works better than words ever could.

Deborah aka Miss Bee said...

An experience so personal and heartbreaking ~ yet, you share express your hurt and feelings so straightforward from your heart.

Your advice is appreciated...you just never know when such a tragedy will hit someone you know.

Wendy, you have every right to grieve on this anniversary - I know you won't let it overtake the joy you have in your heart remembering the precious times with him - the times you made one another laugh - the memories that cannot be taken away from you.

Wrapping you in hugs and remembering you in my prayers,
xoxoxoxo

~CC Catherine said...

My precious Wendy...Sweetheart, I just ache inside my heart for you right now as I read this post. If there would be anything that I could do to make this anniversary of his death easier on you, I'd do it. The best thing I can do for you is pray that God continues to give your heart peace...in knowing Matthew is with Him...and hope in knowing that you will see him again someday. When I look at baby pics of my brother Freddie who was killed at the age of 27, I miss him. It's odd...because when I look at pics of him older, I feel differently. I still miss him, but when I look at the baby pics, I miss him so bad I wanna cry. Don't ask me why the difference. :*( The note your granddaughter wrote about him being able to see her did bring many many tears to my eyes...I can't imagine what her life is like without him. Like yours, very lonely without him I'm sure. After my daddy died, I had a mink coat that was made into 5 Teddy bears...we named them after my dad, Claude. Claude, the bear, is how I met Claudie...she posted a comment, and because of her name I was drawn to go meet her. Isn't that amazing...because of my bear named after my Dad...I met her, and then she brought you into my life. Isn't God amazing how He brings us all to one another, using anything he can. I love you sista #6...and someday our tears will be no more. In heaven there will be no need for them, I cannot wait. I can't tell you how much I love ya friend.....and wish I could be there just to cry with you...walk a while together hand in hand...and to laugh together over a cup of tea... You could teach me a thing or two about bein a Cowgirl... I miss you like crazy...LOVE YOU TO THE MOON & BACK...Always! ~CC xoxo

Mimi Sue said...

So many good memories to bring out and examine when your heart feels like it can. Thank you for the great advice on how to be sensitive to the grieving of those who have lost a child. My prayers are with you and your family. Mimi

LKP said...

wow. i don't have anything profound as a response to your beautiful post. what a remarkable son & a remarkable family you have. when i was looking at those pictures from the service and reading the snippet, i realized that he was laid to rest in the same cemetery we laid both of my grandparents to rest in this year. physically they're neighbors. spiritually, perhaps, they're more like friends or fishing buddies. :) that's a comforting thought. i can't believe its already been a year, wendy. you're so strong & such a phenomenal example. hang in there and know that you are loved by Him through the love of the many of us. ::hugs::

Shari said...

What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. I know it has been a rough time for you and your family understanding the why's. I know you bring comfort to others through the way you are able to express yourself. I wish you all the best.
Hugs to you,
Shari

Anonymous said...

Wendy-
Long time reader, but never commented. You wrote from your heart and it is amazing. My son died and I received the call at the same time in the morning. Like you said, a time when the phone normally doesn't ring. I love your blog and your beautiful spirit. You are in my prayers.
jonimac

emilene said...

A big hug from me Wendy... xxx

koralee said...

I am off to hug my daughters sweet friend...thank you for this..my heart is with you! No words ...just hugs. xoxoxoxo

♥●• İzdiher •●♥ said...

i am sorry to hear that ;(.

It me me cry .I don't now you or him but tears in my eyes.:(.

Prasetyo said...

Nice blog posting. I'm just blogwalking and very interesting to stop here and read your post. I like this.

But, dont forget to give us your comment into my blog ya.

Thanks for share.

Melanie Jacobson said...

I learn so much from you. I hope that your heart finds peace.

Castles Crowns and Cottages said...

oh Wendy,

The many times you tore up your feelings from paper were meant to be in order to get it just right.....I have no words to offer but a virtual hug to you, dear and loyal blogging friend...thank you as always, for coming to spread your beautiful smile across my comments page.

Many hugs of love to you, Anita

Silver Strands said...

Oh Wendy. This was so beautiful it made me cry. What a handsome young man! I feel a hole in the world knowing that Matt was here and is gone. Prayers for you this November.
oxox
Denalee

susette said...

You're on my mind as this whole death experience swirls still in my life. You will never forget all those special dates of his and I hope you continue to celebrate his life and have many great memories.

(your son looks so familiar everytime I see his photos-it's strange to me, yet calming)

Kazzy said...

That white board sign really got to me. You have had a hard year, but I think you have taught other people so much. I think you are the bomb.

Kristeen said...

new to your blog -- God bless you and keep you in his arms -- I lost my mother and a brother and it's hard thing - but losing a son is the hardest I am sure -- I feel for you and I'll be thinking of ..
hugs

Nezzy said...

Oh sweetie, I won't even begin to know the pain and emptiness in your heart that comes from losin' a child.

This was the most beautiful tribute I've ever read. That sign just ripped my heart out.

I pray that God wraps his ever lovin' arms around you and gives you wonderful peace.

God bless and have a beautiful day.

June said...

I'm crying this morning over this post and thinking of how grateful I am to know Wendy!
Isn't amazing how many tears a pillow can hold? The nights of crying tend to cleanse our souls in a way that nothing else can. I hurt for you loss dear friend and know that nothing I say will make the difference in easing the burden, but I can be here to hold you while you carry it.
love to you from here...

Mike U said...

Dear Wendy,
I am just now findout out about the death of Matt, or "Doman" as we called him on the football field at Ricks. Im sorry. I truly am.
I tried sending you an email, but it was returned. I'd like to send it to you, if you would like to read it. It has thoughts about Matt from Ricks as I recall them from our years together on the team from 93-95.
You can email me at

uhr10001@byui.edu

Mike Uhrich

Mike U said...

Dear Wendy,
I am just now findout out about the death of Matt, or "Doman" as we called him on the football field at Ricks. Im sorry. I truly am.
I tried sending you an email, but it was returned. I'd like to send it to you, if you would like to read it. It has thoughts about Matt from Ricks as I recall them from our years together on the team from 93-95.
You can email me at

uhr10001@byui.edu

Mike Uhrich