Wednesday, November 9, 2011


I have written, torn up and rewritten this many times ,trying to find a way
to put it all together

My call
came 11-11-10
 at 6:43 a.m.
from my daughters house, at at time when you KNOW,normally
 a call would not be made
It was one of my sons
"mom, it's Matt, he's gone"

A phone call that made my legs so weak
I felt they could not hold me up
that I would fall

A phone call that brought me to my knees
in shock and pain
in prayer for understanding, questions, strength

A call that my son was gone
A call that changed my life Without preparation or consent.

My husband and I quickly packed a bag
I wasn't even aware of what I put in, and what I needed

We made the 16 hour drive to Utah
straight through
my husband said it was a long grueling 16 hours
to me, I was not even concious of the time
I was lost in thought of a little boy, who became a man
and is now gone

I kept thinking
Why hadn't I felt him going.There should have been some message
from his spirit
some disturbance in the daily order of things.

my eyes felt bruised from all the tears
tears carry many different melodies over the course of our lives
And so came the preparations of a funeral
all our family members came up with
beautiful tributes
we bonded in deeper ways then we had before

And the rest of us survive....somehow 

and through it all MANY LESSONS are learned
you know that old saying
it would be sad to have the experience..and not learn the lesson
(any small measure of a lesson)

and what did I learn
that I certainly am NOT alone in this sacred fraternity
there are many of you
who have suffered greater things then me
in this sacred experience called death
I have been learning from you

here are a few things I want to remember:
1. DO NOT hesitate to go to a viewing if you can. I had so many people I never expected to see who showed up
and they will ALWAYS be remembered for that
people (you know who you are) who I didn't even know
who cared enough, for me, to come
yup, blogging friends I had not yet met
but will be forever bonded to in this act of love

2.  Don't worry about trying to find the right things to say. There ARE NO right things to say. A hug is sufficient: body language that says "I can't Rescue you, but I can sit with you."

3. Acts of service, we had so much food brought over to us. Ann brought over this amazing chicken soup that we have lovingly named Matt's soup. Flowers, plants, cards. 
I had neighbors and friends even go so far as to give me
something soothing as lotions, perfumes, bath products
(did you know you can do your best crying in the shower)
Think outside the box. Maybe babysit for someone for a few hours so they can get out and have some quiet time for themselves.
My daughters house became ground zero as we called it
so, her aunt (my sis) and her daughters
who live far away and were unable to come
sent her a gift certificate for Merry Maids
someone to clean up her house after all that chaos

Remember, what may seem to you like some small thing
becomes a monumental thing to the one who is grieving

So now, after a year
we will each celebrate our special memories of him
Sister Lauriette (the Nun I met in Ottawa this past summer) said
in a letter to me
Memories are inscribed in our hearts like a photo

ha ha, don't let that innocent face fool  you
He was full of mischief and adventure and FUN

He will be forever remembered by his young children
His daughter wrote this and left it on the kitchen table

Now don't tell me that doesn't bring a tear to your eye

Each day, me...all of us who loved him
will try and move towards light
there may be some darkness in the wings
but if we open our spirit to it
light will find it's way in

this poem was read at Matt's funeral
ring the bells that still can ring,
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in
-Leonard Cohen-

sometimes, when I see his face, unexpectedly, it takes my breath away

Now I will try to heal
Healing does not mean being all well
it may take a lifetime
it's like a chronic illness
it's not terminal....just feels like it sometimes

I don't want to remain bitter for what I sometimes feel are
unanswered prayers
Because.........Right Now
I don't know WHY

Matthew Recieved The Call
his call home

Friday, September 2, 2011


Oh Blessed Summertime.

I wait and wait all winter long for the gifts of Summer, then Wham, it is gone. Faster then you can spit Watermelon Seeds.

This is the last writing, I will have of my summer activities. 

I hope you will bear with me through these photos........cause YOU just think they are photos.
Not so my dear blogger friends
These are not mere photos, but Relationships, Love, Bonding, Roots.

My daughter and her 2 girls, came from Salt Lake City to visit me for about 10 days.
They got to stay in the New Cabin we just bought
A Cabin waiting to be filled with memories and mischief.
So say Howdy.

We only got this cabin about a week before they arrived, so it is in it's Virgin stages.
give me some time to spruce it up.
What do you do with two spunky grandaughters during a visit to the Country  have wiener roasts of course.
And, it would be interesting to know if your marshmallow roasts turn out like THIS
My sister and Loo-Dog (that's her nickname)
thought they'd get creative with theirs

Then you better go swimming at the creek to wash all that goo off.
This creek is historic
in my life
I have swam in it since I could walk, and hunted drift wood along it's shores to smoke
(another story)
There is a rope on the rock wall that the kids love to hang onto and jump into the water.

Or how about a nice lazy ride down the river.

Mom caught a Frog.  Holy freaking city girl, I couldn't believe she grabbed onto that slimy thing.
But her response is, It's a Mothers Duty. guess I fell short on that duty, I ain't touching no frog.

forget snow angels, it's summertime
besides, young'uns don't seem to mind a little sand in the crotch

Forget the mega bucks you spend at the spa for mud treatments.
Here, it's free
besides young'uns don't seem to mind a little mud in their crotch

Can't come visit me without going to
Loo-Dog lives for this treat
She picks out her outfit months in advance
and was a little miffed with her mom for forgetting her cowgirl earrings.
Of course grandma has to join in and do a little two-stepping.

I know, you don't have to say it, I look pretty pathetic trying to shake my booty
But I did it for my Grandaughter ---OK, get over it.

Welcome to the Naughty Pit.  Any misbehaving and you could end up down there.
and there are spiders, and creepy crawlies
and pit monsters.

(seems pretty effective)
actually it was my grandma's old root cellar.  I can't believe she'd go down there for her canned goods and spuds and homemade rootbeer.

Went for a Trail Ride. 
Aren't those Rocky Mountains beautiful.

After it was all over, I turned around and there was Loo-Dog, doing her own dismount
On the wrong side of the horse.
I see rodeo queen written all over this gal.

This is at Waterton National Park. 
It is amazingly beautiful there if you are looking for a vacation adventure.
There was a sign that said
Stay Away from Bears.

phoooey...sign, schmine.

ok, so it's not a real bear.

We are very creative.
I heart my family.

Red Rock Canyon
It is so fun to hike around there
and the water is COLD


The gals wanted to go on a canoe ride, or the water paddle boats
I put a nix-nay on that
Grandma isn't looking to have a stroke today, with all that exerted effort, rowing and paddling.

Can't come visit me without going on a hike
OK, so I did consent to walking and heavy breathing.

I LOVE this mountain
It is called Old Chief
it is actually in Montana....that is how close my folks live to the boarder

FYI....I have climbed the back side of this mountain and stood on the very top
which is only about 5 feet across. 
another story for another post

I really like this photo of Grace-Lace

Hay ----how are  ya

ok that was cheesy.

Mr Gorgeous was excited to take them on a Wagon Ride.
Roll'en, Roll'en Roll'en......Rawhide.

So there you have it
another Summer packed full of memories

I heard this saying once,
if you don't know where you came from, how will you know where you are going.
Roots are important
Families are Forever.

Closing the gate for now
Ya'll come back now, ya hear.

(excuse me, grandma has to slip into a corner now and cry a little)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

CINDERELLA.....PART DEUX, and the giving up of the slipper

if you haven't read part 1, go down a post, you must!!!

Life itself, is the Most Wonderful Fairy Tale
Hans Christian Anderson

Here is the end of my fairy tale vacation
Claudie, spraying us all with a bit of fairy dust before heading out for our day.

Even the river was sparkling that day, like it should in a fairy tale.

I totally must put up a photo of Julie (Miss Juliet) who did the majority of our picture taking
it is what she does
takes classes and everything
I LOVE how she dresses so funky, she was my fashionista

One more photo from our day in Montreal
They give horse drawn carriage rides and all the girls wanted a photo on the carriage
PINK is Claudies Signature color (kinda like the movie Steel Magnolia)
I took a pass on it............HECK, I ride in horse drawn carriages
all . the. time.
horses and cowboys..........It's what I do. 
but not in a dress, and um, not pink

Julie was the only single gal of the bunch.  So it was only appropriate that she get her photo taken with the waiters from the restaurant, remember in my last post
the ones who Loved us and ended up giving each of us a rose

Here we are doing what girls ALWAYS need to do
waiting in line

CC, Miss Bee, me, Claudie

Claudies sweet hubby, our personal chef the duration of most of this trip
yup....we all grabbed a blanky, and watched a movie outside in her yard
it was like a drive in  theatre.......without the necking
well.........I didn't really check on Claudie and her hubby

We watched Gregory Peck (swooon) and Audrey Hepburn
A Classic Black and White movie

Next day......we went to what is known as 1000 Islands
Part of it is in New York State.........holy freaking Big Apple (without actually being in the Big Apple)
I made it into New York State
It was an awesome place to see, as people would actually BUY an island, just a small one most of them, and build a cabin, house, whatever as their SUMMER HOME
What???... a summer home
we are talking some serious cash here
instead of 3 car garages, they had 3 boat garages as the only way to access them is by boat
It is on the Saint Lawrence River
This photo is what is called the smallest International Bridge in the world
on one side of the Bridge (where the house is) is Canada
and the other side is USA

(I wonder if the owner needs a passport to cross his bridge)

Seriously, it was amazing to see all these places built on , well, 1000 Islands............

Here is Julie and Claudie mapping out our plans for the day
or thinking.....crap, we better delete This photo

We crossed into New York State on a Ferry Boat.  We wanted to see Boldt Castle
It was amazing
Just Like a Fairy Tale
maybe like the one Cinderella visited
built in the early 1900's

Yes, it was built on an Island.  Mr. Boldt, being the Prince Charming he was in his day, built this for his wife who he Adored
but she died
(like in a classic fairy story eh)
before he had it finished, so he walked away never to return
It started to deteriorate, and NY State has been restoring it
here is a picture of one of the parlors

Like I said, he was super duper in love with his wife
and had many many things in the house built with Hearts around it
He EVEN had part of the island cut away to be somewhat in the shape of a heart

So here is me and Claudie, doing our Heart thing
in honor of their love
cause WHERE would we be without love

I wonder if I can convince Mr. Gorgeous to build me a corral in the shape of a heart??

After a full day of the Castle, we headed back on the Ferry Boat.  CC was a little pooped

Unfortunately I have NO pictures of our Italian Night that Chef Randy had waiting for us when we got back. When we got back to Claudies, he had Dean Martin music playing outside for us
and fixed us a HUGE dinner
It was, well, manufique (or however you spell it)
He spent all day preparing it for us

(I think he is in love with Claudie)

He made the bread that we dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar
while sipping the vino....and listening to Dean-o
then served up the Eggplant Parmesean
then the chicken/pasta dish
with Tiramisu for dessert

Randy (and her son Colt) were just like Gus-Gus from the
movie Cinderella.  I adore them.

Next day....into our nations capital .....Ottawa
our capital building
once again, kinda like Montreal, it had amazing architecture

We took a drive down a street known as Embassy Street.
well.....I might have made that up
cause I don't remember the name of the street but it is where all the Embassy buildings are
from other countries

see this one of Kuwait
it was pretty cool to see them
I didn't say anything terroristic as we drove by....I tried not to make eye-contact
that's what they say to do ya know

We were actually on our way to see Claudie's moms cousin
who is a Nun
by the name of Sister Lauriette
Claudie said she had been excited to think of meeting us
so we drove to the place where she lives
and took a little tour around while we waited for her

We went into the chapel area, and Miss Bee took a seat in the confessional booth
Claudie went in and told her
"Miss Bee, we just don't have that kind of time right now to listen to all your transgressions"
tee,hee......sorry Miss Bee, couldn't resist

 I think Claudie was feeling a little bad about that
so she and Julie decided to "tap into" their spiritual side
Um....Julie. are you trying not to snicker??

Finally, we hooked up with Sister Lauriette
she is 90 years old and is very witty
I loved how she referred to all of us by where we came from
when addressing us, she'd say "so....Wendy from Calgary"
or "Jeanne from North Carolina"
it was very sweet
sometimes she'd have to pause as she is French speaking
and of course she'd talk to us in English

remember the autograph books I told you about in Part 1
well, we all took our books to her so she could write in them

Claudie had previously told her about the passing of my son
and I was very moved
to tears
by what she wrote in my book

She just made us laugh
filled us with joy that day
which goes to show
you don't need to wave a magic wand to find beautiful people in your lives

CC enjoying one of her stories

 Back to Claudies
not only is she a lover of people
but she loves animals, and rescues dogs
she has SEVEN of them at her house

As is what happens in all fairy tales
there comes an ending
on our last day there, we all put on our penoirs she bought for us
and played, just like little girls do, in dress up

 which goes to show
we don't really need to ever Grow old
cause like I said in the first post, we ranged in ages from 72 to 50

 I thought I'd grab Julies camera and see if I could "capture a moment"

We had Jeanne pose as the actress Marlene Dietrich
famous from the 1930's
which was hysterical actually
She was even holding a piece of the DRIFTWOOD I brought
for each of them to smoke
Oh yeah, I had to  bring a little country to the castle
they thought I'd lost my mind, and that maybe I'd smoked a few to many pieces of wood in my day

And so it Ends

Thanks Claudie for being my Fairy Godmother
Now the time has come when the clock has to strike midnight
I have to return to my own Prince Charming

It was fun to squeeze my bunioned foot into that glass slipper for a week

And as I dust my own Rustic Castle, and hear the coyotes and the hawks call
somewhere there'll be an echo of
Bibbity Boppity Boo

 I hope there is a fairy tale awaiting all of you someday